|
Post by grassroots on Aug 26, 2007 18:43:06 GMT 1
Jane and Sue are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Sue: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Sue: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Sue hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
|
|
|
Post by motorman on Aug 29, 2007 19:05:45 GMT 1
I have a magical dancing duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for £10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
|
|
|
Post by motorman on Aug 29, 2007 19:14:58 GMT 1
A quote on marriage.........
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
|
|
|
Post by grassroots on Sept 27, 2007 18:59:35 GMT 1
Subject: Making a baby.
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
[glow=red,2,300]Mrs. Smith fainted [/glow]
|
|
|
Post by superscully on Sept 27, 2007 19:08:45 GMT 1
Grassroots .
That is quality , brillaint .
Could be the end of the joke thread though
who can follow that ...
Tripod!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by judgejohn on Sept 28, 2007 10:30:18 GMT 1
That is very good, well done even the girls in the office liked that one
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Sept 28, 2007 11:02:36 GMT 1
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Sept 28, 2007 11:07:34 GMT 1
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
;D
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Sept 28, 2007 11:28:11 GMT 1
DADDY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Daddy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All dads know this stuff. It's on the Daddy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Daddy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Mummy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
|
|
|
Post by grassroots on Oct 2, 2007 13:00:34 GMT 1
The genius that is.... Peter Kay One Liners1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?' 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. 5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. 9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.' 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither. 14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. 15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. 16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 7) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 11) It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 13) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? 2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? 3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom? 5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'? 6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside? 7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? 9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? 10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing? 11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? 12) What do people in China call their good quality plates? 13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 14) What do you call male ballerinas? 15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? 16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? Apologies if i have repeated anyones jokes above!
|
|
|
Post by grassroots on Jan 23, 2008 18:49:45 GMT 1
> A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. > > Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of > meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. > > The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so > they begged their dad for the clue. "Well" he said, "It's what mommy > calls me sometimes".The little girl screams, "Don't eat it..... "Its an a**hole."
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Mar 3, 2008 19:44:22 GMT 1
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, (I know, not very PC!) how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
|
|
|
Post by phoenix on Mar 3, 2008 19:50:44 GMT 1
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN: Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN: Show up naked with food.
|
|
|
Post by bella on Mar 4, 2008 9:18:03 GMT 1
|
|
|
Post by bella on Apr 4, 2008 13:08:50 GMT 1
Subject: Do You Fart In Bed?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzards, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the covers back, she pulled back the elastic of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, with tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey you were right." All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened." "But by the grace of god, with some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in."
widdle wabbits.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."
;D ;D
|
|