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Post by motorman on Jul 20, 2007 18:20:25 GMT 1
Seeing Grassroots joke gave me an idea to have a thread just for that type of thing. So I'll start it off.
A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really miss, feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly, and tears start to form in his eyes.
"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports here ?"
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Post by motorman on Jul 20, 2007 18:22:57 GMT 1
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey flavoured Polos.
After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're ar$e-holes!!"
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Post by grassroots on Jul 21, 2007 18:52:43 GMT 1
A man buys his wife a coat made from 2000 hamster skins.
She wore it when they went to Blackpool for the day ...
he couldn't get her off the big wheel. How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes. What 5 letter word, written upside down, reads the same the normal way up ? SWIMS
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head? A flatmate!
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!
What gets wetter as it dries? A towel
A man goes to town on Friday, spends 2 days in town and then comes home on Friday. How can this happen? His horse is called Friday The RSPCA raided the local fish shop yesterday, because of accusations of cruelty. A woman had phoned them and said the fish were being battered! I used to work at Kwik-Fit
- but I gave up the job
- every day I was tyred and exhausted!
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Post by grassroots on Jul 21, 2007 19:09:22 GMT 1
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?
Virgin Megastore.
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Two Americans Capture an Iraqi. The Americans go "we are going to play a game." they give the Iraqi a dice. "If you roll 1-5 we beat the crap out of you." The Iraqi goes what if I get a six" The american says "you get another go"
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Eighteen years in the future, Romeo Beckham gets the chance to play his first game for Man U.
"What number should I wear Dad?" asks Romeo
His Dad replies:
"Wear 4 out there Romeo"
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically ... "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied ... "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
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Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here
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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
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man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of GREEN tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." The barman says "I'll serve you, but your mate's barred - he's a bleedin " cycle-path!"
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra
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Some bad some good! I know!!!!! Ill get my coat!!! ;D
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Post by motorman on Jul 22, 2007 12:49:11 GMT 1
Keep 'em coming Grassroots (and anyone else). It's good to have a smile everyday
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Post by superscully on Jul 22, 2007 19:33:14 GMT 1
Cocky Mr Rabbit bounces down the high street and straight into the bucther shop ... " Giz a cabbage " he asks . Mr Butcher replies ... " Im a butcher , i sell meat " , Rabbit hops out and back up the high street . Next day Rabbit bounces down the high street and straight into the butcher shop and no messing says " Giz a cabbage " . Butcher not messing now either says " Ive told you im a butcher and i sell f**king meat , this is not a fruit and veg shop AND the next time you come in here asking for a cabbage im going to nail your f**King big floppy ears to the floor " . Rabbit hops out and back up the high street . NEXT DAY Mr Rabbit bounces down the high street and straight into the butcher shop he asks butcher politely " do you have any nails ? " , puzzled mr Butcher replies " no why do you ask ? " ..... Mr rabbit " Well giz a fu*King cabbage then !!! "
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Post by motorman on Jul 23, 2007 17:45:43 GMT 1
1. Night clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum". ............................................................
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy Marijuana press the hash key..." .............................................................
3. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". ................................................................
4. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle. ...................................................................
5 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ........................................................................
6. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. .................................................................
7. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." ................................................................
8. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there nothing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" ..............................................................
9. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." ...............................................................
10. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. .................................................................
11. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore" ......................................................................
12. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. .....................................................................
13. So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand." .............................................................
14. You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. ...............................................................
15. I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. ...................................................................
16. I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End' ..................................................................
17. So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." ................................................................
18. I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" ..............................................................
19. So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." .......................................................................
20. I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. ....................................................................
21. My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. .........................................................
22. I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." ..................................................................
23. So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R. ......................................................................
24. I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. ........................................................................
25. I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on. .................................................................
26. My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." ................................................................
27. So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard." .............................................................
28. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." ................................................................
29. So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ..............................................................
30. So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job." ..................................................................
31. So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." ........................................................................
32. I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" ..........................................................................
33. So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!" ......................................................
34. So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest" ..............................................................................
35. So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. .......................................................................
36. I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road" ...............................................................
37. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there. ............................................................
38. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. ..............................................................
39. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. .............................................................
40. I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." ...................................................................
41. So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
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Post by grassroots on Jul 23, 2007 18:04:25 GMT 1
This one for Women i think. I dont know what they are trying to say! ;D THE LONELY BRAIN CELL > > Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, > happened to end up in a man's head. > > > She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. > > > "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. > > "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no > answer. > > Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled > at the top of her voice, > > "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" > > > Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away.............. > > > > > "We're down here ...." >
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Post by grassroots on Aug 7, 2007 13:50:10 GMT 1
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Post by buggalugs on Aug 7, 2007 18:11:36 GMT 1
Flat chested woman goes to hubby and asks for a boob job.
"How much will it cost?" hubby asks.
"About four grand" she replied.
"No chance" he says "Instead, try this; every day, gently rub between your boobs with a piece of tissue paper."
"Will that work?" she asked.
"It did on your Idiot" he said.
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Post by buggalugs on Aug 7, 2007 18:20:17 GMT 1
A bear and a rabbit are squatting next to each other in the woods, both having a dump.
"Do you find that crap sticks to your fur?" asks the bear.
"Yes I do" said the rabbit.
The bear promptly picks up the rabbit and wipes his Idiot with him.
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Post by ianh on Aug 7, 2007 21:49:28 GMT 1
"Do you find that crap sticks to your fur?" asks the bear. "Yes I do" said the rabbit. The bear promptly picks up the rabbit and wipes his Idiot with him. I heard it where the rabbit says "no It doesnt" ;D This guy starts to chat up this really gorgeous 57 year old woman he meets down the pub, she looks nothing like her age, is very curvaceous, neat figure, very fit. They have a few beers and she invites him back to hers for a coffee. Coffee is forgotten as they get down to a lttle couch wrestling, suddenly she whispers in his ear, "Have you ever fancied a mother/daughter threesome" "HAVE I" he replies. She gets up off the couch walks to the bottom of the stairs and shouts. MUM, you still awake?
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Post by Administrator on Aug 7, 2007 22:51:28 GMT 1
A guy goes in a butchers and the bloke behind the counter says...
"I bet you £25 you cant get that meat down off the top shelf"
The bloke says...
"No way, the steaks are too high"
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Post by grassroots on Aug 11, 2007 12:49:03 GMT 1
Subject: George Bush George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day." The devil led him to the next room. In It was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
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Post by grassroots on Aug 19, 2007 13:34:58 GMT 1
>>A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway > >>>when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. >>>She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. >>> >>> >>> >>>After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she > hands >>>him another handful of peanuts. >>> >>> >>>She repeats this gesture about five more times. >>> >>>When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little > old >>>lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. >>> >>>'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied. >>> >>>The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' >>>The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.' >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>It pays to be careful around old people
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