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Post by ianh on Feb 26, 2009 11:45:15 GMT 1
Gordon Strachan sent scouts out around the world looking for a new inexpensive striker. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Celtic manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Parkhead. Two weeks later Celtic are 3-0 down to Rangers with only 20 minutes to go. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and sends him on. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Celtic. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are ecstatic, and the media all love the new star. When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones home to tell his mum about his first day in Scottish football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 3-0 down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me: the fans, the media, they all call me a hero.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum sarcastically. 'Well, just let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street by masked men, your sister was abducted and assaulted, I was robbed in the street on the way back from the market, and your brother has run off and joined an armed gang.' With this news, the young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry.' 'Sorry??!' exclaims his mum. 'SORRY??!!! It's your fault we all moved to Glasgow in the first place!!!
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Post by topcat on Feb 26, 2009 16:43:15 GMT 1
Thats pretty funny for you Ian H Better if the joke was told the other way round though so that Rangers got the win ;D Heres a good one : What Bugbrooke centre half plays like a donkey and does Hugh Grant impressions Thats plays and not hung , tad my friend Sorry boys , i'll do anything for a nibble so please dont let me down
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neptune
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Post by neptune on Feb 26, 2009 17:45:37 GMT 1
Why was topcat banned from the site? He was accused of purrrjury
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Post by cookie on Feb 26, 2009 18:07:28 GMT 1
Nope.. but his under the right thread ;D
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Post by topcat on Feb 27, 2009 0:10:48 GMT 1
Why was topcat banned from the site? He was accused of purrrjury Your wasted on here neptune
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neptune
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Post by neptune on Feb 27, 2009 10:22:32 GMT 1
Why was topcat banned from the site? He was accused of purrrjury Your wasted on here neptune All my years of reading the Beano have really paid off
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Post by topcat on Feb 27, 2009 13:22:28 GMT 1
I was a Beezer man myself although id read the Beano if they were sold out Oor Wullie and The Broons were different gravy and Billy Whizz was a good player ;D Didn't think much to Roy of the Rovers , bit of a poser and well overrated
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neptune
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Post by neptune on Feb 27, 2009 15:05:08 GMT 1
Didn't think much to Roy of the Rovers , bit of a poser and well overrated Agreed - I preferred Billy Dane, completey useless untill he got 'Hot-Shot' Keen's boots on.....may take a trip to Anfield's boot room and see if a pair of Torres' will do the same for me
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Post by phoenix on Mar 1, 2009 23:41:28 GMT 1
THE CASE OF THE BROWN PAPER BAG
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag. "Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results. "What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag. "I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor. "No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor. "NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor. "NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?" "NO! HOW MANY MORE TIMES ....I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor...
...... "Your mother must have been a carrier."
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Post by phoenix on Mar 1, 2009 23:48:04 GMT 1
CHILD SUPPORT AGENCY
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts (allegedly) from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive , mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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